A calm space

 

If someone had said to me that they have a "calm zone" for their toddler when the terrible twos hit, i may have rolled my eyes at them. Now as a mother, i am fully on board with this idea. 

Nyla is at the boundary testing, tantruming, being "difficult" stage of toddlerhood. It is so so easy for me to lose my temper with her when she behaves in these ways, but that isn't the parent i want to be. 

We all get angry and frustrated and lose our tempers. As a toddler, they have all these new big feelings, and do not understand how to express them. 

Me and Nys dad have very different parenting views. When i told him how she can be and sent videos, his automatic response was "this is when she needs discipline and punishment." Not in my house. 

I sat him down and explained it to him in another way. Where yes, she understands the words no etc, what she doesn't understand is why no. She knows what she wants but she doesn't know how to get it or ask for it. It isn't her fault that she gets in this way. 

So i started to think what else could i do to help in these situations instead of resorting to a naughty step or time out. 

One thing i know about Nyla, is how well she understands things. She may not be able to always respond in the right way, but she understands 90% of things i ask or say. When she has had meltdowns in the past, i have been successful in ending them by giving her a hug and distracting her. 

When on facebook on a montessori page, i saw someone post a "Calm Corner". I knew this is what i wanted. A safe space i can take her when she loses control, where she can be distracted but not overstimulated and can't hurt herself. 

She has had a tent up in her room for a while. Its been used as a ball pit. This is now downstairs and is our Calm Zone. 

So what is in this zone.

- A duvet and cushions: 

Nyla has a tendency to fling herself backwards and/or headbutt things on purpose when she is having some big feelings. At the start of these tantrums i was able to just lay her down and leave her to finish, but now i have to hold her to stop her banging her head. Having the duvet on the bottom of this tent just makes it more cushioned for if she does fling back, and the cushions will prevent her from banging her head on the walls. 

- A blanket (booboo):

The very first day we used this calm zone, i sat in there with her and she actually fell asleep. It was difficult for me to climb out while holding her and so she had a little nap in there while her dad sat close by. So a blanket is in there just incase. 

- Fidget poppers/toys:

These are actually brilliant for calming her down. She loves to say pop, and i've watched her sit there for ages with one and so i thought it would be a good thing to include. 

- A magnetic scribbler:

She is very into drawing and scribbling at the moment, so during quiet time/calm time she sits and scribbles with this. As its magnetic she can just erase and start again whenever she needs to. 

- Books (rotated regularly):

Books have always been Nys go to tool to calm down. She is always found sat somewhere quietly flicking through one on her own. I keep 2-3 books in here and rotate them regularly so she isn't stuck with the same ones over and over. 

- Balls 

I have kept her balls inside the tent, as she loves to play with them and laugh as she throws them out the tent or tell me the different colours that they have. 

When do you use the calm zone?

I have noticed that most of the tantrums, stem from over stimulation. I have seen her go from toy to toy and then out the blue she is on the floor kicking off. So when emotions get high, we switch off the tv, close the baby gate, and into the tent we/she goes. Sometimes i sit inside with her but usually i sit outside it where she can see me still. We set a timer on my phone, which she likes to press on, and she has 3 minutes inside the tent. 

When i spot a kick off, or she is being a little too much the tv goes on pause, i get down to her level and explain that i can see that she is angry/frustrated/mad, but that we don't behave that way. I tell her that it's time to take a break and we walk to the tent together. Once the timer goes off, i ask her if she is feeling better now and would like a cuddle, and 9/10 i get the biggest cuddle and she will go back to playing in a better mood. 

Do you think it is working?

100%. She calms down so quick when she goes into the tent now and i have even witnessed her take herself off into it and sit with a book, so she understands that when she needs a break, this is what we do. 

I think that it is important to help her understand the feelings that she has, and how to deal with them, rather than punish her for them. Her dad suggested i put "no tantrums" on her reward chart, but that would be unfair. Even adults have tantrums we just do them differently. 

I had mentally prepared myself for it being a battle, for the timer to be made longer and longer because it wasn't working in 3 minutes, and that is yet to happen. I have taken her to the zone kicking and screaming and 3 minutes later she's sat on my knee giving me a huge hug! 

Not all children are the same, and this may not work for everyone, but it has been working for us. 

I plan to add more things to the tent like fairy lights, maybe some teddy bears etc in the future. 

Check out the video for the calm zone on our instagram.