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It is hard enough becoming a mum for the first time, without having people in your ear telling you they disagree with the way you are doing it, when you have ways that work for you.
The google definition of mum shaming is
Mom shaming happens when people criticize a mother for making parenting choices that differ from the choices they have made or would make themselves. (For example: “If you don't breastfeed your child, you're doing it wrong.”)
5 Jan 2021
I feel like everyone is guilty of doing it at some point, but here are the things i have had it for.
"You shouldn't let her sleep in your bed, you're making a rod for your own back"
If i had £1 for everytime someone said this to me, or behind my back, i would be a millionaire. Co-sleeping, was never something that i planned to do. As mentioned in my cosleeping post on here, it just happened because we needed each other.
I was forever hearing i need to "move her into her own bed asap" and "into her own room before her birthday" otherwise she will be in my bed forever.
Update: she sleeps in her own bed, a choice she made herself. Yes it is sidecar to my bed, but i am more than happy with the arrangement and have no plans to change it. As long as she needs me i will be there at arms reach.
"You shouldn't let her sleep on you so much, she'll never be put down."
Oh how i actually miss our little contact naps! They said she would never be put down, it was a bad habit, and that she was too big to be held so much for sleep.
Update: She has 2 hour long naps in her bed every single day.
"You really shouldn't be weaning her before 6 months."
Nyla showed all the signs of being ready, minus being 6 months of age. As her mum, i knew that she was ready to try solid food, and she took to it so well, that i knew that i made the right call. She could sit up at 4 months with support and 5 months without, her head control was brilliant, she could put things in her mouth, her interest in food was so high she mimicked me eating! There were so many signs that she was ready to me. We did home made puree until she turned 6 months and then moved on to BLW.
Yes, the recommendation is 6 months. Yes, i hear you say that the 4 month range is a marketing ploy, but i know my baby and i knew she was ready.
"She never puts that baby down. She'll have no independence and be spoilt!"
The funny thing about this one is that Nyla is actually one of the most independent 1 year olds i have ever met. Is she clingy sometimes? yes, but what baby isn't.
People forever say i hold her to much and go to her too soon after she cries, and so she is going to grow up to be spoilt. I am not seeing a spoilt child so far.
As a baby, damn right i picked her up as soon as she cried. As a toddler, not so much because i know the difference between a cry and a tantrum, and i know how to react to each situation.
If Ny gets frustrated and throws a tantrum, she actually comes to me for a kiss and cuddle after, and a way of calming down. She shares without being asked, and will do as she is told in most situations. She tries to do everything for herself, and helps with things around the house.
"It's ok to leave her to cry you know. You have to stop running to her everytime, she'll learn"
What she will learn is that momma won't be there when she needs her, and that is not a thing i want her to ever feel.
Some people are fine with cry it out methods and sleep training, and that is their choice, for me however, that is not my style of parenting.
I have no plans to ever leave my child to cry and think i am not there. If she is throwing a tantrum, then yes, i will lay her down and walk away until she is done. However if she is crying at night, because she can't sleep without me holding her, then i am gonna hold her until she sleeps. This is my parenting choice, and it works for us.
"She can't eat that. She's over feeding her!"
Firstly, as a toddler, Nyla is very much aware of how much she can eat. Secondly, i put more on her plate as so much ends up off it. And thirdly, she feeds herself, so she can stop when she is full and signal to me that she is all done. It is hard to overfeed her when she is in control and knows when she is full.
It was a close family member who actually had this to say behind my back, and i was so surprised. Ny has quite an appetite i will admit, but she eats so much fruit and veg daily and is a brilliant little eater.
I never force her to finish everything on her plate, and i don't complain at her if she leaves most of it or plays with it sometimes. She has toddler/baby sized plates, which as full as they look, only actually have a few tablespoons of food on them.
"Why didn't you breastfeed?"
Please stop asking mums this and looking down on us when we tell you we didn't. I don't understand why this is even a question when we have had a baby.
I wanted to breastfeed Nyla. In my head, it was my plan to do combi-feeding. However, while i was in recovery from an emergency c-section, and Nyla was in NICU (baby intensive care), no one came and taught me how to express for her. When i got her back on my ward i was constantly told someone would come and show me how to breastfeed her, and instead 3 days later, i walked out that hospital without knowing what to do. By the time the Health Visitor came round she had been on formula for a while and i didn't want to confuse her, so i missed my chance to breastfeed her.
I feel like i missed out on an important stage of motherhood, and when people look down on me for not doing it, or ask me why, it actually gets to me a lot.
We should never feel shame for not doing this! Some women can't, some women don't want to. As long as the baby is fed and happy.
"omg she has a dummy still! She'll have a hard time letting go of that."
Another thing i never planned on was her having a dummy. However, after listening to her suck her lip all night and seeing her lip swollen and dry, i gave her a dummy.
She is 1 now and she understands that the dummy is for sleeping only. When she wakes up, out it comes. If she doesn't want to sleep yet, out it comes. And if momma asks for it, she hands it over.
I worried that she was going to be too attached to it, but she has accepted when she can have it from when she can't and i am confident when she is ready, she wont want it at all.
It's such a shame that as mums, we are that afraid of the mum shamers, that we hide things about the way that we raise our children. I know mums who never mention or talk about the fact they do things like co-sleep, out of fear of what people may say.
Mums should be there to support each other, and not judge. At the end of the day these are OUR babies, and we will do what we think is best for them or what they are ready for.
What have you been mum shamed or judged about?
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